Scarletvania II: Azzhara's Curse
by WillieG.R
Summary: Join Flandre Scarlet as she ventures through an evil 2-D world in search for a way to defeat the curse of a certain cat that's making her life a living nightmare. WARNING: Heavy on game mechanics, Castlevania references, game references, and complete disregard for the 4th wall.


**_Narration letters scroll up the screen:_**

_Ever since Flandre Scarlet survived her first encounter with **him**, she has been haunted and hunted all over the sanctity of the Devil's Mansion; her own home. She's been driven out of her room, up to the library, out of the library, up some stairs straight to the windows, down a corridor then up more stairs, and finally, she finds herself trapped._

Flandre appears next to the narration, looking at the scrolling letters with lazy confusion and stripes for eyes. She speaks pretty lazily. "Huuuuuuh? When did that happen? What's going on here?"

_The Clock Tower has now become her new home; but for how long will she survive living only from the fresh food that the maids bring her, sleeping on the most comfortable bed in the whole mansion, enjoying both sun and moonlight without turning to ashes thanks to her special clothes (made by Rika Onkamikami), and using the private bathroom up there in that lonely tower._

Flandre's face softens a bit and she seems to adopt a more eager look. "Well that doesn't sound so bad. Wait, my own bathroom? **Why haven't I moved to the tower yet!?**"

_She has nowhere to go if **he** ever comes back; this has driven her mad once again, and she has even turned her sword into a whip, for absolutely no reason at all._

Flandre starts to look a bit worried. "Um, wh-what are you talking about? ... Hey! Are you listening to me!? What's all this crap about a whip?"

_The time has come. She must venture forth and find a way to subdue her tormentor, and reclaim her smelly basement room._

"Um... why would I want to do that?

_Only then will she find the peace of mind she needs to remain locked in her room forever. Join her in her quest as she ventures all the way outside of the Cast-...Mansion, in order to find the tools she needs to defeat:_

**_Scarletvania II: Azzhara's Curse_**

Flandre is furious now. "Wait, WHAT!? Seriously, why would I want to go back down there!? And what do you mean "Azzhara's Curse"? Isn't it supposed to be "Flandre's Quest"? HEY! Did you just call me a hikikomori!? **I'll KILL YOU, WILLE-_ARGH-_Kuh!**"

Remilia has appeared behind her little sister with a bored and casual expression and stripe eyes, as well as a cat's mouth. She applies a beautifully perfect sleeper hold and knocks her sister out in a heartbeat.

"Now now Flan-chan, that's enough 4th-wall breaking for this page." She smiles, giggles and then drags her sister away.

"Let's just start with the fiction now."

* * *

[Castlevania II Simon's Quest - Town music playing]

It is a beautiful night out; it's impossible to believe she's in such danger, when Flandre Scarlet; a blonde vampire with red eyes, blonde hair tied to a left-side ponytail and dressed in a red vest, red skirt, bloomers underneath, and **epic battle boots** with blood skulls designed on the calf; exits the safety of the clock tower.

She looks around the dark night sky, notices the moon above her head, then sighs and says to herself "well, I better start with this. If Patchouli's book is right, then the Cat's Nipper should be what I need to get rid of ...**HIM**..."

She starts her walk. She quickly start going down some stairs she's never seen before, and sees large open doors on some parts of the red wall that contrasts the grey, individual-block path that has become the floor.

"This... is really, really weird. I don't remember the mansion looking like a 2-D _Town_ of some game I never even heard of."

Her curiosity eventually gets the best of her, and she enters one of these holes/doors. Inside is a very cramped corridor with a bed painted on the blue wall that's the background.

When she reaches the end of that corridor, for some odd reason, she decides to take her Lavatein on hand, and whip it; because it is a whip, **yeah**; and accidentally breaks the wall down, revealing three more inches of the room, with a badly hooded fairy maid at the end.

"What's the big idea, dammit!? Do you know how expensive wall repair are!? JEEZ!" rages the fairy before gasping and apologizing.

Flandre just stares at her and looks around as though she feels she's in danger, and then asks "uhh; so what exactly is all this? Since when did the mansion have a town?"

"Never mind that;" begins the fairy in her normal voice, and then she adopts a more mysterious tone and says "pray by the Lake with the Ball on hand."

The adorable vampire rubs her blonde head in confusion as she tries to make heads or tails of that sentence. "Pray the... what!? What ball? The cat's balls, or mine!?"

The fairy merely repeats the same message, only this time it appears in a noisy text box to the right corner of the screen.

Flandre sighs with frustration and merely walks back outside, muttering curses under her breath and grumbling about blood.

Once she's out of the "house" and looking quite annoyed, she looks left, then right, then starts walking again... or so she would wish, however she finds herself stuck in mid-walk while a large black box appears to her upper left and slowly writes "WHAT A TERRIBLE MORNING TO HAVE A CURSE!"

"Wait, **WHAT!? **But the moon is still up high!"

[Simon's Quest - Night Music playing]

A bright morning sun shines through the walls of the mansion for no reason at all; other than to annoy Flandre; as it rises high into the sky, and now all the fairies that were flying around aimlessly have disappeared.

"This is **REALLY** annoying, you know! And be thankful I'm wearing my Rika-made clothes, or this story would have ended right about now; I think!"

Instead of fairies, the floors have been taken over by several green-haired Sanaes wearing the usual white and blue shrine maiden outfit with the detached sleeves, walking around aimlessly left and right and repeatedly asking "Would you like to hear about our Mistress and Savior Kanako Yasaka!?"

Flandre's eyes can't hide the horrifying fear she's feeling right now, and to make things more dramatic, as soon as one of those Sanae walks over to her and offers a Kanako pamphlet, the little blonde screams at the top of her lungs and smacks the Sanae two times with her sword-err, whip!

The Sanae bursts into a flame and leaves behind half of a large heart. Flandre hesitantly picks it up, wondering what it's all about under her breath, and then it makes a weird pickup sound and adds 4 hearts to her collection menu.

"What the flying hell is this crap? Game mechanics?" She cries dramatically "**WHERE THE HELL HAS THIS AUTHOR TAKEN MEEEEEE~**!?"

And so for five whole minutes, Flandre whips Sanaes left and right and picks up the hearts left behind by the boob-jiggling, green-haired 'monsters', and then, finally: "THE BEAUTIFUL MOONLIGHT WASHES AWAY THE HORRIBLE SUN."

* * *

[Town Music returns]

The cute blonde vampire sits on the floor, panting hard to recover her breath after such a long morning that lasted only five minutes.

She manages to stand and sees that her life bar on the top-left corner is almost empty, save for a single strip that's on the bottom of said bar; which explains her fatigue.

A fairy maid flies by, and Flandre accidentally hits the attack button, activating said fairy's dialogue.

"Reading a good book will ease your fatigue."

Flan stares at the fairy... stares and stares again, then asks "and what's that supposed to mean?"

The fairy shrugs and replies uninterested. "I dunno; that's what the script said I should tell you."

As the fairy flies away, the blonde vampire notices she's conveniently standing in front of a large door with a sign of a book at the side.

She shrugs and goes inside, and immediately sees Patchouli, the purple-haired, purple eyed magician, up on an altar walking left and right for no reason while she holds a book on her hand and wears a long dark purple robe with a wide cleavage cut.

"Patchouli? **Walking!?** I am going to get the author for this!" threatens the most beautiful of blonde vampires as she walks toward the librarians. "And flattery will get you nowhere, boy! You're DEAD!" ...Damn.

Patchouli continues walking back and forth (and looking quite annoyed about it), and says "hurry up and come get healed! I'm getting sick of walking forward and back for no reason!"

The blonde vampire shrugs, walks up to the small altar the gorgeous purple-haired magician is, stares, then asks "now what?"

Without giving her any kind of warning, the _healer_ uses a surprising amount of strength and smacks the vampire on the head with the book so hard, Flandre ends up with her head buried inside the altar's floor.

Inexplicably so, her life is quickly restored, and the sexy magician smiles with satisfaction as she says "there, you are healed. You may leave."

Flandre pulls her face out of the new hole in the altar (she is obviously pissed), and glares at her healer with tears of rage in her eyes as she grumbles "you have three seconds to live!"

Patchouli stares back nonchalantly, shrugs without interest, then says "you can only kill enemies, not healers. Now please, go... I need to use the toilet."

Indeed; the way she moves her legs up and down alternatively indicates that she, indeed, is in need of the bathroom quite desperately.

Our whip-wielding blonde smiles and snickers, remains crouched on the very spot she was left in, and just stares back with a most malicious smile she can muster.

The sexy librarian sweats; she can tell she won't be left alone quickly enough in order to reach the bathroom. The scene goes dark, and liquid can be heard splashing on the ground.

* * *

Flandre makes her happy way out of the town now, feeling quite satisfied with herself after what she caused, and makes it to the edge of the screen, when she accidentally enters the one door that rests between two puddles of water. (Yup, she hit 'Up' by accident.)

She sighs with frustration when she sees herself inside the tiny cramped corridor that's supposed to the home of someone, and so she wants to leave, but something, or rather, some**_one_**, catches her full attention.

Remilia stands in place at the end of the corridor wearing a long white robe and hood, with the three-tailed nekomata on her hands. She's holding said black cat with yellow eyes on one hand while stroking him from head to tails with the other.

He's purring contently on her arms and enjoying the gentle strokes, while the hooded vampire enjoys the softness of his fur on her hand.

Flandre storms toward her sister and angrily shouts "what the _hell_ are you doing with that soft monster in your arms! Remi, he's the bad guy; jeez! You're ruining the plot!"

Remilia stares back with lines for eyes and says "plot? What plot? Look, just talk to me normally so I can sell you the crap you need to move on in this silly adventure of yours."

The blonde clicks her tongue and looks away while saying "fine, fine, let's get this over with..." and then hits the attack button to talk.

A black dialogue box appears on the top left corner for Remilia, who asks "Will you buy it?" while another larger black box opens in front of the screen with a little white ball and the number 50 besides it.

Flandre stares at the ball with flat eyes and asks "and what the heck is this supposed to be?"

Remilia simply answers "my white ball."

Outside of the 'house' in town, the peace and quiet explodes along with the wall Flandre Scarlet tackles while crying and screaming at the top of her lungs "PERVERT! PEEEERVEEEEERT! My sister is a **perveeeert! Waaaaahaahaaaaa!**"

She runs with her hands in the air and breaks through several layers of background in her attempt to escape the innuendo.

Remilia peeks her head out of the new hole while screaming "Flan-FLAAAAN! Come back here, damn it; and BUY THIS DAMNED BALL!"

An hour later, after counseling from the Chief Maid (and reading the script), Flandre returns to Remilia, hands the 50 hearts over, then mumbles "not a word about this to anyone, got it?"

The elder Scarlet merely replies with duck-lips while saying "right, right, just get moving. This isn't supposed to be a long story anyways."

* * *

And so, Flandre, once again, makes her way to the edge of the town, and finally, somehow, when the screen scrolls, she is outside the mansion and on its courtyard.

[Simon's Quest - Bloody Tears playing]

There are Yoshikas, Kagerous, hands, and even animated skeletons of Futos all around the 2-D environment, and all seem to want a piece of the blonde.

Flandre grins and snarls, brandishes her sword-made-whip, then giggles as she rushes toward the many little enemies standing between her and the Misty Lake.

"WA-HA-HA-HAA~! Blood, bones, death, **death**, DIEEE~!"

She screams these words with glee as she makes monsters explode with a flick of her whip, and just to satisfy her bloodlust, she turns away from the edge of the scene so she can kill the respawned enemies.

She repeats this process over and over again until... that horrible message appears again. "WHAT A TERRIBLE MORNING TO HAVE A CURSE!"

"SHIIIIIIIIIIT!" she screams as the beautiful night gives way to the horrible daylight.

[Simon's Quest - Night Music playing]

Flandre whips away at the enemies that are inexplicably harder to kill now that it's daytime. Still, she's getting more hearts per-kill, so she's lingering to kill more and collect extra currency/hearts.

The little blonde is having the time of her life, laughing aloud as she murders enemies... until:

"**MRRRROOOEEEEWWWWW!**"

She's suddenly paralyzed when she hears Azzhara's echoing screech reaching her ears. He's on the move and looking for her.

She starts to hyperventilate as she runs all the way to the lake while crying "oh no, he's coming! Why now!? Run! Run Flandre, RUN!"

She runs with all her might, but has to constantly stop to kill enemies that get in her way, cursing them with strong words I wish I could repeat but can't.

She can hear him running to her now, and that anxiety of her doubles up. She breathes harder and faster as she moves closer to that wonderful edge to the next-Oh, she just leveled up. Sweet!

Flandre glares "forget about that, just get me over to the next scene!"

She finally gets a break; all the enemies in front of her have failed to respawn, but Azzhara is still getting closer.

The blonde vampire runs like she's never run before on her life, jumps over a tiny ledge she can't simply run over for some odd game mechanics reason, but she makes it just before the cat scratches her, and so the screen scrolls to the next scene. ...And yes, she's safe from the cat. The game-logic handicap reset itself.

The blonde vampire, now safe, takes a minute to gather herself. Once settled, she looks around, and shortly after, her gaze flattens and she grinds her teeth behind her lips.

Flandre has made it to the Misty Lake, but just because she's stuck in a game, instead of flying, she's going to have to cross that looooooooooong lake by means of a broken bridge made of smaller squares that seem to be glued together to form a broken narrowed path.

What's worst, SOME of those bits of bridge are floating in mid-air, held by nothing in particular while the water below looks quite, peaceful, beautiful, and deadly.

She looks forward with a hateful glare and growls "I hate you, author from hell."

And so, the cute blonde vampire makes her way to the bridge and takes her first step on it... and freezes.

"THE BEAUTIFUL MOONLIGHT WASHES AWAY THE HORRIBLE SUN!"

[Simon's Quest - Bloody Tears playing again]

* * *

Flandre looks pissed. She keeps leering toward the sky while silently grinding her fangs, then angrily says "why in the hell does it have to say it **ALL THE TIME!?** Why can't it just turn to night and day and skip the slow-text TORTURE!?"

Totally ignoring her, we move on.

The moment she takes her first step on the bridge, a Wakasagihime; a CUTE mermaid with curly blue hair, fin ears, and wrapped in a green kimono; jumps out of the water and lands on the stone path on her belly... and just flops.

"Really?" sighs the upset blonde vampire before whipping the flopping mermaid for a heart, then continues walking as if nothing has really happened just now.

She jumps over the first inexplicable gap on the bridge with ease and says "hmm, this looks like it won't be so-"

Another Wakasagihime jumps out of the water, spits a fireball on the back of the vampire's head, then drops back into the water while Flandre is sent flying three feet forward, falling straight into the next gap and into the water, immediately losing a life after an echoing watery death sound effect.

She respawns back on the shore where she started, and explodes in rage.

"**WHAT THE FLYING F*** WAS THAT S***!? WHAT IN THE ****** HELL OF THIS **** ***** ****** OF F**** GAME MECHANIC IS THIS!?**"

She slouches as she breathes heavily; recovering herself from that sudden explosion of beautiful words of extreme expression, and then just recovers, smiles confidently, and declares with a fist raised over her chest "well NO MATTER! I will cross this bridge and GET to the village before I go _totally_ insane! WAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The totally insane vampire rushes over to the bridge again, ready to face its challenges, and cross over.

Halfway through, she gets spit on by another Wakasagihime and falls into the water, then she reaches a tricky jump for the second time, but a Daiyousei head flies by and knocks her straight back into the water.

Next attempt, she jumps on a single-block platform that keeps going up and down, but when she jumps on the next, she realizes her jump in hindered by the fact that the block was going down; she whimpers as she splashes.

**CONTINUES used: 1**

After another beautiful rage explosion after seeing her heart-count reset to ZERO, she reaches the single moving blocks again and learns to jump when those blocks are about to reach their top moving height. She jumps toward the last edge and a cute innocent Wakasagihime jumps right where Flandre was to land, unknowingly knocking her back into the water.

**CONTINUES used: 6**

The struggling blonde reaches the moving blocks again, and at MORNING to boot. The Daiyousei heads are flying all over the place, the Mystia sparrows are way too active, the Wakasagihimes are jumping between moving blocks, and the next scene just seems impossible to reach.

She looks up to the sky, smiles as a tear rolls down her cheek, then whimpers "please. Please just use a password!"

And so it is that the console is reset, and promptly the password in input into the game as soon as it starts... and Flandre Scarlet appears in the Human Village, which incidentally has no indications of being molded into a 2-D game environment.

Flandre's eyes sparkle as she looks around the NORMAL Human Village, clasps her hands in front of her chest, and excitedly says "yes! YES! Now I can just ask around for that Cat's Nipper and get back home!"

Keine, the hot school teacher of the village; with long silver hair that has blue strands, wearing a blue and white dress with a red ribbon trying to cover the sexy cleavage cut, and a hat that looks like a lunch box with glyphs on it; approaches the vampire after overhearing her and asks "excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your self-conversation there. You're looking for the Cat's Nipper, correct?"

Flandre's eyes light up and sparkle further. It's like she's fallen in love with the woman in front of her. "Yes! Yes, that's exactly what I'm looking for!"

Keine smiles and chuckles softly, rubs her head, and says "aww, how sweet. Well, I'm sorry to say that it's in my magic storage box, but the key I had for it was broken into 4 equal pieces; for some strange reason; and stolen by monsters during the night before I could glue it together."

The vampire's jaw drops to the ground for a second, then she smacks her own forehead and groans before saying "you have **GOT** to be f***ing kidding me!"

"Watch your mouth, young lady!" reprimands the school teacher, looking strict and disturbed.

Flandre just scoffs and says "I'm 506 years old. I can handle a few curse words." She then sighs and adds "so do you have any idea where the heck these key pieces are?"

The gorgeous teacher smiles, puts on a pair of glasses to augment her gorgeousness by 9001, then reads from a small notebook "you will find the pieces of the key hidden throughout 4 different mansions. One in the underground, one in Heaven, one at the Bamboo Forest, and the last one at the Scarlet Mansion at the foot of the Youkai Mountain at the Misty Lake."

Flandre Scarlet just stands there, gazing flatly, sweating coldly, shivering, and just about ready to burst... crying.

She drops on her knees and cries "no faaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrr! I didn't know I had to look for something back **home!** Now I have to cross that EVIL LAKE with the broken bridge again!"

The teacher looks curiously at the blonde, pokes her lower lip in her confusion, and asks "what? You didn't kneel and pray by the lake's shore with the white ball in hand to activate the larger moving platforms?"

Flandre's pupils become specs, her entire body trembles, then she sits on the ground, shivering while in her mind she machinates endless way to kill me and splash herself with my blood.

* * *

**CHIREIDEN**

[Castlevania 2: Castle 01 theme playing]

As one would expect, the inside of the Underground Palace has been made into a 2-D a hell wor-... wonderland.

The very first thing to notice is the two-blocks platform floating up and down over a large pool of water that's the first floor, and right in front of it at the top of its rise is a cute Utsuho with a long spear-like canon on her arm, repeating "Unyu?" every once in a while.

Further ahead are jumping eyeballs with tentacles defying gravity by suddenly taking off to the ceiling and jumping on it like it was the floor, and further ahead are little Orins with wheelbarrows running left and right, and threatening Flandre with the bones of the dead in said barrow.

Deep within this mess is the piece of the key needed by the adorable cute vampire, who is still at the entrance, gawking furiously and flabbergasted at the evil mansion before her.

"Who the HELL turns the floor into a pool of EVIL WATER!?" She keeps looking around, sighs, and then shrugs in defeat while saying to herself "just get on with it."

She starts by jumping on the moving platform in front of her, reaches the next floor, whips an Okuu and gets a heart, smacks a few third eyes (with crazy effort) so as to move forward, and then she gets pushed to a spiked corner by an Orin.

"What the heck!? Who designed this crappy place!? Spikes on corners!? GRAH! I'm going to kyuu them!"

She whacks the Orin and continues on her way, then, while walking around, she finds a strange person hiding after several spike beds.

Flandre observes the hooded person with the wide butt, holds her chin while examining said person further, then snaps her finger and asks "you're a spider, aren't you?"

Yamame, who has blonde hair tied up with a brown ribbon under the hood, stammers and backs off for a moment, and asks "w-wait, how did you know!?"

She suddenly shakes her head and says "never mind that now! Would you like to buy my wooden stake?"

Flandre screams and runs through walls with her arms raised while crying "I NEED AN ADULT! I NEED AND **ADUUUUULT!** Perverts are EVERYWHERE!"

The hooded spider girl sighs while watching the vampire girl run and cry like a crazed lunatic, then shakes her head, holds her forehead, and then says "'just sell her the wooden stake' they said. 'It'll be fun' they said." She snorts and adds "I hope they pay me extra for this."

Almost an hour and one continue later, Flandre returns to Yamame, looking wary at the hooded girl. "Just sell me the thing so I can finish this stupid quest!"

The hooded spider girl takes the hearts, hands over the stake, then says "well, good luck child. Oh, and to use it, you must-." She suddenly trips on her robe and falls back on the bed of spikes, dying immediately and disappearing to reappear at the respawn point. "Grrr... Damned game mechanics!"

Back at the beds of spikes, Flandre is facepalming and sighing while saying "damned game mechanics." She discards the thought with a smile, looks at the wooden stake, then happily says "oh well, whatever. I got this wooden thing, so let's go onward!"

With her wooden stake on hand, she smacks some Orins, some Okuus, some eyes, and finally reaches the end of the annoying mansion.

"Okay, I guess I have to break that ball over there and-"

"Hey you over there! Wanna play?"

Flandre turns around and sees Koishi; a girl with wavy grey-green short hair and green eyes, who wears a yellow shirt and green skirt; holding a doll and waving friendly like. "I got dolls."

The vampire approaches the closed-eye satori, smiles, then says "nope, sorry, I need to hurry up here." She then whips Koishi once, turning her into a flame that disappears, merrily skips toward the crystal ball, and as if already knowing what to do, she stabs the thing with the wooden stake, obtaining the piece of key and holding it above her head like an idiot.

She stares around with flat lines for eyes "is this trip really nescessary?"

And so, Flandre Scarlet and Koishi Komeiji play 'house' over at Koishi's room while Satori; the pink short haired cutie with purple eyes, light-blue shirt and pink skirt; prepares them something to eat.

Flandre is the "dad" of the "house".

* * *

**HIDDEN MANSION AT HEAVEN**

Flandre Stands in front of a mountain that she is sure it wasn't there before, but she just goes along with the mess right now.

She holds a red crystal ball she bought off a hooded human, kneels in front of said mountain "this had better work. I look like a FOOL doing this..." then a sudden tornado appears and drags her upward, lifting her skirt and displaying her cute white panties to the world. "What the heeeeellll!?"

Screaming curses and failing to cover her shame, she's eventually dragged into a heavenly mansion made of marble, where the floors have spikes, the walls have spikes, there are pools of water with Wakasagihimes jumping around, there are tiny Suikas running all over, drunk and joyful, and there are sexy demon girls with red hair of varied lengths and wearing matching leotards, shooting fireballs in two directions in front of themselves while jumping pretty high.

Flandre Scarlet picks herself up, furiously adjusts her skirt to cover her cute panties, then takes her whip on hand and rushes up the first set of stairs. "Alright, time to get that next piece of key!"

While climbing up the stairs, a Suika comes by and doesn't seem like she's going to turn around, so Flandre whips her... and misses miserably. "What!? Hey, what the hell!? I can't hit her while I'm climbing stairs now!?"

The Suika tackles her and knocks her off the stair, making her furious. "Grrrr AAAHHHH! What kind of STUPID PRANK is this!? I was on the damned stairs, why did I get pushed back like I was some kind of rag doll?"

She growls and makes her way up the stairs again, whacks the Suika, then after breathing hard for long enough she says to herself "oh yeah, that one felt GOOD." She then takes a step forward and falls right through the blocky floor's hidden hole, smacking her face on the cleavage of a Wakasagihime (and losing three life tabs).

"Huh? Hey, what's the deal here!? Invisible holes now; what kind of sick jerk could come up with THAT!?"

The blushing mermaid giggles, slaps Flandre on the face, jumps back in the water, then the vampire; having lost another life tab; gives chase. "Come BACK here you little fish stick! You're gonna pay for that one! Whu?"

Her foot goes right through another invisible hole, and she falls into the water for an instant death.

She tries from the start yet again, and manages to reach the second floor, but one of those jumping demons hits her on the chest with a fireball and sends her falling through several invisible holes, until she falls right into the water again.

**CONTINUES used: 3**

Flandre is not speaking. She's just going around with glowing red eyes and killing absolutely anything that gets in her way. "F**king... kill... everything..." she mutters under her growling breath as she makes her way up, up, up the mansion.

She breaks through a spiked wall with her bare hands, giving the game mechanics a huge middle finger, and walks right toward the startled hooded Iku; who has short violet-blue hair and wears a white hood that shines scarlet.

The hooded woman tries to sound calm "w-w-would you l-like to buy a-?"

"Just **give** me the damned thing before I crush you too!" exclaims the furious little vampire.

The shaking Iku hands over the wooden stake, gets the 50 hearts from Flandre (to her surprise), then watches as the grumbling blonde makes her way THROUGH some walls while scaring away the Suika's, demons, and blobs that are supposed to be chasing **her**!

Flandre finds herself going down stairs until she reaches a rather large and empty room, where Tenshi; a cute celestial dressed in scary rags, with long blue hair and a black hat with peaches on it, appears out of nowhere and flies erratically through the air while saying "HA-HA~! Now you fight ME in order to reach the piece of key! HAVE AT YOU!"

And all she does is move erratically in the air from left and right, doing absolutely nothing else, and laughing at the vampire while moving around. "Ohh, I see you have been left **_speechless_** by my prowess! Well HAVE SOME MORE! Ooooohhhhhh~!"

Flandre just stares at her with a deathly flat gaze, takes a deep and long breath, exhales said breath slowly, then her face becomes feral and fierce, and in one crack of her whip she hits Tenshi on the face, causing a chain reaction of flames that erupt from the point of impact and threatens to burn the huge mansion to a crisp.

"WAAAAHHHHH What have you done to my newly bought mansion!? I still have 50 payments to make on this! Iku! **IKUUUU!** Get water, _water!_ **Hurry!**"

While the creepy girls from heaven, as well as the many "monsters" in the mansion, work together to dowse her spreading flames on the celestial and the mansion, the blonde vampire walks over to the crystal ball, casually stabs the shiny thing with that stake, then takes the key piece, places it in her pocket and says to herself "I hope Sakuya prepares something to eat. I'm getting hungry. ... Ah, right, the Bamboo Forest."

And so she begins her way back to the entrance of the heavenly mansion, completely ignoring the screaming, panicking girls trying to subdue the fire.

"Oh, and Koakuma, I'm telling Patchouli you've been to Heaven." says Flandre while exiting the door.

All the red-head demons in sexy getups frown at the same time and say "**oh poop! I'll get punished again!**"

* * *

**EIENTEI MANSION**

And Flandre stands at the entrance of this mansion gawking at the bamboo blocks making bamboo floors, bamboo walls with bamboo spikes, bamboo beds of spikes, bamboo stairs, and there is even a bamboo juice dispenser behind the plain green background.

Of course, there is water all over the first floor, but she's still wondering "what kind of weirdo goes and takes the whole 'bamboo theme' of this forest so literally?"

In this mansion, the enemies consist of fluffy white rabbits that hop all over the ground and ceiling, and look impossible to hit (like the jumping eyeballs at Chireiden), little girls with bunny ears poking the air with large carrots that seem a little too suggestive, and once more, there are jumping demons with red hair and in sexy tight leotards jumping around and throwing fireballs in two directions.

Flandre rubs her chin while she analyzes the situation, nods, and then says "I am going to hate this for the rest of my life, aren't I?"

She shrugs, sighs, then gets to it by taking the first step, and falling straight into a bed of spikes.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUU-"

We skip to the part where she's just about to meet the person selling the wooden stake; however, she's all the way behind a wall made of a trio of block lines, and there is just no way to get to her other than from where Flandre is.

She's poking her lower lips while studying the situation. "Huh... how does one even do this? Do I kyuu the walls again?"

At that moment she gasps with a wide smile and snaps her fingers, then pulls an oddly colored magazine from her butt pocket, and reads.

"Umm... I go left, then down... pitfalls here and there and... A-HA!" Her finger is pointing at a picture of the mansion she is in, and on it there is a marker that leads to some letters that read "fake wall".

And so she puts the magazine away while saying "gotta love these video game magazines," then casually hops against the wall and goes right through it.

When she approaches the hooded woman, she sees she has thick and long silver hair, red eyes, fair skin, and huge boobs.

"You're Eirin, aren't you? Those boobies are a dead giveaway."

"Wh-what!?" Eirin stammers for a moment, then just sighs and opens the window with the wooden oak stake shown. Oddly enough, there are no hearts to pay. "Just... do you want this thing or not?"

Flandre looks suspicious and asks "I don't see a price. How many hearts you want for this crap?"

"Hearts?" Eirin has a surprised look on her face, but soon her face becomes predatory, and a perverted grin graces her lips. "Hearts? What kind of person do you think I am~?"

She injects Flandre's arm with something green; to which the vampire just stares at curiously; then says "I want your chastity! COME HERE~!"

When Flandre tries to run away, screaming "I NEED AN ADUUUULT!", Eirin grabs her arm, easily pulls her close (thanks to the debilitating drug(, and like a ravenous pervert she says "you are not going ANYWHERE, child! I need to follow this script, or I'll get thrown back to the Moon! THANK YOU FOR THE MEAL!"

The blonde vampire screams and struggles with all her wakened might. "But this is a SAFE fan story! We can't do this here! WAAAAHHHHH! NOT THEREEEE!"

One hour later, Flandre walks out of the wall glowing brightly, satisfied, and smiling from cheek to cheek. "I see now I had _nothing_ to worry about. Thank you for the lesson, Miss Eirin! You shall always have a special place in my heart!" She continues on her way after saying all that.

Eirin lies on the floor behind the fake wall in a heap underneath her cloak, crying tears of shame and loss as she twitches. "I... never knew... she could use that stake like that."

She shudders and trembles, then coughs, moans, and falls asleep.

And so the sweetly cute vampire makes her way toward the crystal ball holding the piece of key, when she enters a wide room made of single-line blocks. She wonders how this room is still in one piece.

As she walks further in, Reisen; a Moon Rabbit with crumpled white ears with buttons on them, long purple hair, red eyes, who wears a white blouse and a pink short skirt, stands next to the exit.

"Ah, so you are the mansion's boss?" asks Flandre in an innocent tone with a cute innocent smile, and glistening eyes.

Reisen smiles, opens her mouth, then her entire world shifts HARD for a second, then she finds herself holding her crotch, bending her knees, and falling on the ground and crying in agonizing pain from a stiff, hard, and unforgiving kick to the cooch.

(I am now ironing my hands for using Reisen for painful, evil, and dark comedy.)

And so, Flandre Scarlet skips along her merry way, humming a sweet song to herself as she makes her way to the next room where the crystal ball waits for her. "Ah! There it is!"

"Hold it RIGHT THERE!" says a mysterious voice that echoes all over the room. Flandre just scratches the inside of her ears while looking around for the source of the voice, which doesn't take too long.

Kaguya, the immortal Moon Princess with long black hair, red eyes, who wears a long pink kimono shirt with a burgundy skirt, slowly descends from the ceiling while angrily saying "what the heck did you do to Inaba!? What did she even do to you?"

Flandre stares at her with a flat and annoyed gaze. It is obvious she's not into this shit.

Regardless, Kaguya continues "well? Can't you answer? Well I know you can't because you know what you did was wrong! Poor Inaba didn't deserve to have her dreams shattered that way. Furthermore, what kind of lady-wai-WAIT, what the heck are you... NO! OW! UGHU! KYAA-AHHHH!"

The vampire has had quite enough, so she smacks the princess with her overpowered Lavatein whip until she explodes and falls to the floor with half of her clothes missing.

Without really caring at all, Flandre walks all over Kaguya's body, uses her back as a spring to get to the platform with the orb, stabs the thing to get her key piece, and then jumps back down on top of the princess' body.

"Well, thank you for being a good cushion. I gotta go now, so..." she waves nonchalantly as she goes over to the door without looking at her victim, and says "take care and all that."

From a very dark corner of the mansion, Tewi, a cute youkai rabbit with white rabbit ears, short black hair, red eyes, and who wears a pink dress with a carrot necklace, watches as Flandre leaves with terror evident on her face.

She tosses away the 'Boss' slip she had in her pocket and says "sure; like hell I was gonna fight that psycho-bitch."

* * *

**SCARLET DEVIL MANSION**

Flandre sighs irritably when she enters her home, and finds out it has indeed been changed.

The first thing is that the entire lobby has single moving block platforms that move up and down as they float above a bed of spikes.

Further ahead, the stairs lead to a chained red haired devil in a bikini crying painful tears of sadness after being punished by her magician mistress, there are books floating around and shooting papers three inches in front of themselves, there are cute Meilings with angry faces walking back and forth while suddenly kicking or punching spear-like limbs, and the entire mansion is like a 2-D labyrinth of hell.

"F*ck this shit," says the foulmouthed blonde vampire before facing the background, pressing a brick inward, and then walking into a hidden corridor.

She walks inside a... very normal hidden passage made with normal grey brick walls and floors until she reaches a normal brown door, and casually opens it. "Ah, Big sister, how are y-WHAT THE HELL!?"

Remilia glances casually at her sister, then asks "Flan? I thought you were going to be inside that 2-D game world for all day. What are you doing here?"

The blonde vampire grinds her teeth with rage and asks "never mind that; what are **YOU** doing fraternizing with the **_ENEMY!?_**"

Remilia sits casually on a very comfortable couch with a VERY happy three-tailed black cat purring on her lap while she scratches his head and lets him sleep.

The elder sister looks up at her young sibling and says "the enemy? Flan-chan, dear, you do realize you just broke out of the story, right? That means that, currently, this innocent kitty is nothing more than just a purring ball of fluffy goodness purring on my lap."

Flandre raises a finger and aims to shout back, but then Remilia's logic hits her in the face, and she just flops down on the couch next to the light-blue haired vampire and a bowl of nuts, and sighs. "You know, you're right. I can relax a little here."

She then snaps her fingers, "Sakuya!" and the chief maid; who is wearing a long blue robe with the hood down and has her silver hair seductively loose, appears like magic and bows to Flandre, and asks "what is it, young mistress?"

Flandre hands over 150 hearts and says "here, I bought your stupid wooden stake. Go get me that piece of key hidden in the 2-D crap of a world made to torture me."

"Right away my lady." And the maid disappears.

While they wait, Remilia asks "so how is this story treating you?"

The little sister sits with her legs spread while crushing a walnut with her bare hand and not looking ladylike at all. "I will answer that question with this." She crushes the walnut with excessive force and smiles darkly.

"Duly noted," responds her older sister as cold sweat rolls down her forehead. She then rubs Azzhara once and asks "say, what would you like for dinner?"

"Author" immediately responds that beautiful, adorable, well-shaped vampire that could have any man (or woman) in the worlds with just a bat from her lashes.

"It's too late. No amount of compliments will save you from my wrath, Mr. Author Willie."

So moving away from all this, and to take Flandre's attention away from me, Sakuya reappears with a few bruises and a very annoyed look, and says "Lady Flandre, your piece of key."

The beautiful vampire takes the piece with a happy smile and says "well done Sakuya! You are the best!"

The maid smiles darkly at the cutie and says "with all due respect, after all that pain I went through with the invisible holes, magic walls, impossible jumps, and ridiculous bosses (EX Meiling), I will expect extra payment in the form of your body."

Flandre gasps with surprise and is about to reprimand the maid, but said girl bows and says "good day," then just disappears in an instant.

Remilia looks slightly frightened and says "Ooh boy, it looks like you ruined Sakuya's day. I'd say she'll have _fun_ with you for... the whole night.

Flandre stares at her sister with narrowed eyes and great disbelief before saying "big sister, we really need to discuss the position of power that _WE_ are supposed to have in our own home."

The elder scarlet just chuckles, then says "Flanny-chan, who do you think that 'cleans your plumbing' in the wee hours of the morning while you sleep?"

Flandre runs through several walls until she's back in the 2-D world, flailing her arms over her head and crying like a lost child "I NEED AN ADULT! **I NEED AN ADUUUUULT**! So many PERVEEEEEEERTS! TOOO MANNNYYYYYYYY!"

"Flan!? ...FLAAAAAN!" Remilia calls for her sister from the secret doorway by peeking her bored head through. She sighs with frustration before saying "jeez, and it was just a joke!"

The three-tailed cat rubbing itself on her legs meows sweetly, then yawns and runs off after Flandre.

* * *

[Town music plays on this non-2D town]

Flandre eagerly returns to the Human Village with the pieces of the key safely stored in her bra (for no particular reason other than for safekeeping).

"Keine lady~" she happily calls, anxious to get her hands on the Cat's Nipper, and finally defeat Azzhara in order to reclaim her dark and dirty room without a bathroom.

"I told you, I am staying in the tower!"

The lovely school teacher walks out of her house, and with a lovely smile on her face and sweet tone she says "oh, you're back little vampire. I assume you have the pieces of my key?"

The cute blonde stops in front of the teacher with a smile, nods, then pulls her shirt and bra in front of everyone, rummages for the key pieces, then hands over the surprisingly warm bits to Keine.

Said teacher stares at the pieces, then at Flandre with disapproval, and hesitantly says "um... thanks."

After a few seconds of awkward silence, the cute vampire leans closer and asks "so... are you fixing it so I can get my Cat's Nipper thingie?"

The lovely woman just smiles and says "watch," then raises her hands and the key pieces magically float as they are surrounded by a lime-bronze aura. As said pieces float, they slowly gather and get closer, and just like magic all the pieces join to form Voltr-... a large golden-bonze, old-fashioned key.

"Nice save, author." mutters Flandre towards nowhere in particular, confusing Keine to no ends.

Confused or not, the gorgeously shaped woman invites that adorable vampire into her house, then pulls out a brown chest with golden adornments from beneath the floor. "I had to hide this from Mokou so she wouldn't stumble upon it even by accident. She would never forgive me if she saw what's inside."

She suddenly brandishes the key like a sword and stabs that thing into the keyhole with exaggerated force, then turns the key and the theme "Bloody Tears" plays in the tune of a music box as the chest slowly opens.

Once it's fully opened, Keine dives in, rummages though thousands of pictures of Mokou, (ecchi, hentai and cute) as well as a tied-up human girl with short brown hair that has a single golden highlight on it and in a bikini, then takes a large white bag with shredded herbs out of it and quickly slams that chest shut.

She hands over that bag while smiling innocently and says "here you go~! This is the Cat's Nipper you wanted."

Flandre accepts it, but she is disturbed by what she saw. She takes a deep breath and rubs her forehead, then says "you know there are people reading this stupid story some psychopath wrote; so even if you keep hiding that thing... everyone knows now. Everyone saw the ecchi, the hentai and the girl."

Keine loses all her skin color, her smile seems to petrify on her face, and even though she sweats, she feels cold. "Wh-what are you talking about?"

The cute vampire giggles then says "about the readers of this story! They saw it all, and so you have no privacy now. I saw it too, but I'm not a snitch. I'm not about to get shanked for your crap."

Said vampire suddenly smiles, and very sweetly says "well, I better go home now! Thanks for everything pervert teacher. Bye~!"

She casually leaves through the window, leaving behind a shocked sexy teacher whose skin color has bleached, whose eyes look like that of a horrified woman seeing a man in her shower, and whose dirty little secret is known to many.

Keine suddenly holds her head and whispers "oh shit!" From outside the house her voice echoes as she screams "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIT! What do I do!? Where do I hide it!? Here? HERE!? HERE!?"

She screams, she laments, she cries and whines, unaware that her secret is now also known to Mokou, who stands just outside her house and is looking through the very window Flandre jumped out of.

Said girl has calf-long light-lilac hair and wears red overall pants with talismans over a dirty-looking brownish buttons shirt that looks like it has been burned everywhere.

And now she just watches without a hint of interest into Keine's house, amused by how her friend scatters all over the place to look for a new hideout for her secret. The immortal shows absolutely no concern over the pictures, or the girl Lucia, trapped inside that chest.

* * *

[Castlevania 2 - Castle 02 Theme playing]

And so we skip to that moment where Flandre Scarlet, Lavatein whip in hand and Cat Nipper at the ready, prepares to enter the castle (her home again), and go back down to her room in the basement so she can rid herself of Azzhara forever.

The floor and walls are once again individual blocks glued together with Insane Glue, the background outside looks like a gloomy purple castle being consumed by time, and inside the desolation of the basement, it is all pitch black.

It is always night here, so there's really no more use for the annoyingly useless text box saying its night or day, and... there's nothing else here except the blocks, the background, the creepy music, and some water that only some idiot could fall into.

Flandre takes her first step toward this gloomy finale, jumps over the first watery pit, lands on a safe block, then just falls straight into the water. Bad programming I say.

"F*ck you so many times, you hellish person making this story." she mutters in utter hatred right after respawning.

She enters the dark basement and starts heading down; down some stairs, then down some oddly placed blocks that prevent her from just dropping down to the floor below, takes a long right before having to do down a steep drop, then goes left until she reaches the broken door leading to her room, then goes downward right, going a long way down the long, long stairs, and finally she reaches her old bedroom.

It is cleaner than ever, but still smells just as bad, her vanity is still in the clock tower along with most of her possessions, so the room is pretty much empty save for her bed, which looks mysteriously similar to a giant cup where one is supposed to put something in.

Flandre stares with pained disinterest around her old room, then shrugs and says "I already said I wasn't coming back here."

She then walks over to the cup and nonchalantly drops the content of the bag of Cat's Nipper inside, and says "let's just get this over with. I'm sleepy-...YYYY!?"

Along with the shredded herbs, there is a very lewd picture of Flandre in an orange g-string micro bikini; and with an adult body to boot.

She blushes hard and grinds her teeth, then exclaims "what in the HELL is this!?" She picks the photo and cries "my dream body! Who could have done this!? What is this for anyway!?"

Azzhara roars as he zips past the vampire, making her flinch and yelp in fright just as he takes the picture before entering the cup-like bed.

Flandre stumbles all the way back to the door before taking her whip on hand, and then shouts "what kind of lame attack was that!? GRAH! Prepare to die, evil CAT!"

She screams valiantly as she rushes toward the bed, but then when nothing happens, her scream quickly lowers, and she stops her charge. She then raises a brow and asks "uhh, hellooooo! Aren't we going to fight?"

A good minute passes by and nothing happens, so she decides to take a peek inside the bed, then "AAAAAHHHHH! **_MY EYES!_**"

[Music Stops]

She covers her eyes as though in pain when she finds Azzhara in his human form drooling with a flushed face while holding her picture and looking as though he's high.

In his human form, Azzhara has wavy black hair he makes into a ponytail, yellow eyes, and wears a black muscle shirt and baggy army pants. His three tails are always present with him; and as for what he's doing in there, I cannot describe it, just know he's high as heck on catnip.

Flandre has fallen on her butt on the floor and has a spooked face; she's ready to run away screaming her head off again.

Sakuya enters her field of vision before the vampire snaps, and then elegantly says "young Mistress, it's alright. You have defeated your enemy. This venture of yours has finally ended."

The vampire springs on her feet and aims her shaky arm towards the bed and points while shouting "but there's a sick pervert doing hentai things on my bed; WITH A PICTURE OF MY **FUTURE _SELF!_**"

The chief maid's gentle voice calms the agitated blonde when saying "it's alright Miss Flandre; it is mostly due to the catnip you brought over. You see, the Cat's Nipper is actually high quality catnip, and that causes cats to lose their heads, like a human on drugs."

The cuteness vampire stares toward the dirty bed while the maid continues "so in truth, it is mostly you own fault for bringing it here; and yet without it, you would have never ended this silly game."

Flandre suddenly gasps with realization, then slowly looks back with horrified fear to the maid and asks "Sakuya... how do you know all of this?"

Sakuya giggles rather darkly, her eyes glow ominously red, she takes a deep breath and exhales quite calmly, then says "there are some questions that even I can never answer, my young Lady."

She scoops up Flandre from the floor, easily holds her like a princess, and says "now come on Lady Flandre; up to the clock tower. You owe me something precious."

The blonde shivers, whimpers, and looks cute with a scared face and flushed face. She whimpers sweetly and says "Sakuya... please be gentle with me."

"Of course Little Mistress" reassures the maid in a soft tone. "I will be so gentle, your wings will drop from the rainbow of sensations you shall enjoy."

With those words, Flandre flutters her wings, purrs, then rests her head on Sakuya's shoulder as they exit the humid, dark, dirty, and gloomy basement room.

The End.

* * *

Characters, Spell card and scenario-

"**_HOLD IT!_**"

A blonde witch with long wavy hair and wearing a black shirt and skirt with a white shirt underneath breaks through the now 3-D-ish wall, grabs Flandre's arm, then begins a tug-of-war against Sakuya while shouting "what the hell kind of ending this that!? Flandre, you come with me; I'll save you from these mad freaks, ze!

The cute vampire gasps with delight and blushes. "M-Marisa! Where have you been all this time?"

Sakuya easily holds Flandre's right arm while casually saying "Marisa, what an unpleasant surprise. Please release my young mistress before I find the need to get violent. Her lovely body belongs to me for the night."

The cute little blonde looks at her maid and blushes hard. "Pervert!"

"HOLD IT YOU TWO!" Azzhara, who has obviously finished his business, jumps out of the bed (with Flandre's picture in his pocket) and grabs Flan's right leg and pulls. "She is MY future wife! Get your _filthy_ hands off of her!"

The beautifully adorable girl scowls. "H-hey... really, it was nice at first, but it's getting annoying now. Helloooo! LET! ME! _GO!_"

Remilia enters the room with that bored expression as she says "hey Flan-chan, should I get Sakuya to go buy us some sweet at the-." She gasps when she sees three perverts going for her sister, cuts her wrist to use her blood as fuel for one hell of a powerful Gungnir, then grabs Flandre's left leg and demands "let go of my little sister, you filthy, disgusting perverts!"

She starts swinging her Gungnir at the others, but doesn't even graze a single strand of their hairs; not even once.

Flandre's eyes grow dark, dull and squared, an ominous shade covers them as her mouth takes an inverted-triangle shape, and even though her aura increases along with her rage, these girls keep bickering amongst themselves, pulling on Flan's limbs, and totally ignoring her rage.

The maid wants to rape her, the witch wants to "save" her from her family, the cat wants to marry her, and her sister is trying to keep her to herself.

Flandre's right eye suddenly glows, her fangs grow, then she shouts "porras de merda, MUERAN!" (You damned shits, DIE!)

The explosion caused by Flandre destroys the base foundation of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, and so on that beautiful full moon night the proud mansion slowly collapses as some weird credits roll up the screen.

Congratulations Flandre Scarlet. You have defeated... Azzhara's Curse.

"I'm coming after _YOU_ next, Willie!"

**The End.**

* * *

Characters and scenarios belong to ZUN -Team Shanghai Alice-

Heavy references to Castlvania 2: Simon's Quest, for the NES, made by Konami; and Nintendo references. Credit goes where it's due.

Lucia was created by Willie G.R.

Rika Onkamikami was created by Snapshot 2010

APR 14, 2015

Written by

Willie G.R.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Note to those interested: I have NOT abandoned any of my fics. My lack of writing for so long was due to severe depression, heavy stress, and disheartening anxiety. Not only that, but friends have disappeared; friends I used to talk to often; gone. It takes my heart away from writing.**

**That aside, rest assured that I will try to continue writing, however I lack lots of motivation. I seem to have less and less people supporting me (from my friends' circles), and it's very disheartening.**

* * *

Satori: Ah... Willie, you're back! *AHEM! Calms down* I see you've had it rough.

Me: Yeah... it's been hell. At least my mind is at ease enough for me to actually write-

Patchouli: Other things that aren't me in hentai situations with you? Yes, I am well aware of those... wrestling things you've written.

Satori: The pervert added me in one, but I believe he's been punished enough, so we can let him.

Patchouli: I agreed. ...Oh.

Me: *Hung from a cross by public execution performed by Satori and Patchouli.*


End file.
